Humor

^{Election 2000}

^{In Sports Metaphor}

Why is America so wrapped up over the never ending election? I believe it's because of our fixation on sports and on winning. While most Americans would have accepted either Gore or Bush as the winner in a close race; those same folks are simultaneously fed up and fascinated with the never-ending instant replay. We love sudden death overtime if the score is tied, but until now have never considered such a playoff when one team is ahead by two points.

Let's put this Florida business into this sports perspective. If you think that this belittles the office of the Presidency to make such a comparison, consider how many people watched the World Series or Monday Night Football during the weeks before the election and how few people watched the debates--and this wasn't even a peak year for World Series viewing outside of New York. The election--game day--was close. Some of the fans left early after Florida was initially placed in the Gore category by most of the big screen scoreboards in the arena, but Bush faithfuls heard echoes of "It ain't over 'til it's over" in the background.

The faithful were rewarded by what Big 8, now Big 12 schools classify as Sooner Magic. The momentum had changed in the Fourth Quarter and Bush--down by only a point--was driving to the Florida goal line with only seconds left on the clock. Just as the final gun sounded, the announcer screamed in his best Harry Carey impersonation, "Bush Wins! Bush Wins!" The various scoreboards flash this same message and Gore begins his walk across the field to shake the hand of his opponent. Fighting his way through the crowd, a Gore assistant reaches his boss just before reaching midfield. He shouts over the din of the frenzied crowd, "We only lost by a field goal, not touchdown." Gore can now make eye contact with his opponent across the last few yards of human celebration. He decides to communicate digitally--not the sort of digital communication you would expect from the Father of the Internet, the kind you find at an OU-Texas game.

Most of the crowd has gone home or turned the game off, except those waiting for the post game speeches where four hundred pound men that attended forty hours of classes during the course of four years of college try to arrange syllables into words and words into sentences that they have practiced for just this event. All of the networks are pleased with the timing of the victory as they will all be able to return to their normal programming and show the 3 A.M. movie special, "Heidi."

As millions of exhausted Americans arise a few hours later knowing that the day's diet will consist mainly of caffeine and arm chair quarterbacking, they are surprised to discover that the game is still on. The teams are the same, but the coaching staffs have changed. The Gore team has signed Phil Jackson to lead this post game scoring drive. It's a good choice as Phil is perhaps the best low key lobbyist for setting officiating expectations, though he has advised his new boss that such efforts are best done before the game begins. Bush counters by hiring Pat Riley and this venture into uncharted territory appears to evenly matched.

Suddenly Dennis Rodman runs across the court, kicks a cameraman until he will film him, and holds up the pigskin from the big game. "This ball won't dribble!" Rodman continues his diatribe until everyone is chanting with him. Phil Jackson maintains his stoic look despite his thoughts of Déjà vu all over again. Two of Jackson's assistants convince Rodman to go to the locker room and ride the stationary bicycle. Out of nowhere, a chair comes flying across the court followed by Bobby Knight screaming that three points is too much for a field goal in football. The whole scoring system is archaic and should be replaced. Outside the arena come chants of "Voters Unite! Unite! Unite!" Bobby runs outside and is seen choking anyone in the crowd he can get his hands on and shouting back, "It's Coach Knight or Mr. Knight!" The men in striped shirts have given up officiating as every fan has somehow brought his own whistle and yellow flag to this new contest. In a peaceful executive office, Michael Jordan approves the final design for the Air Voter line of shoes and clothing.

Far away from Florida, Pete Rose is asked if he bet on Gore in the election and if there is any relationship to the boxes of Bush votes found buried in his back yard or his purchase of twenty-two thousand packs of cigarettes over the last week. He declines comment. Back in Florida, the new teams have taken the field and speculation of how the first at bats in this new series will go overshadows much of the contest. A shattered Piazza Bat lands near Clemens, who in turns fires it back as a warning shot across the Piazza bow. Both team benches empty onto the field and in the spotlight of the world, everyone wonders if this will go from rhubarb to rumble. Cooler heads temporarily prevail. And at Valderrama with 100% of the players scores reported, Mike Weir beats Tiger Woods by four strokes and nobody notices.

Meanwhile back at the football stadium, the players have decided to go on strike as they refuse to begin a new season on the day after the Super Bowl. The league decides not to ride out the strike but to go straight to the scab games in this new season. Mike Ditka, Barry Sanders, Dan Reeves, and O.J. Simpson are called back into service, but refuse to play under the derogatory name of scabs. After a quick huddle, the players decide upon a new term for the replacement players--the spin doctors. The new season begins immediately even though there is no schedule and the players have no contracts.

What more could an American want than a presidential election played out in the metaphor of sport. How about if the whole game had been called by Howard Cosell and Dandy Don Meredith.

Disclaimer for Dummies: This is a fictional commentary….except for the golf score. Duh.

^{Yellow Dog Democrats}

I am the Republican in my family. It's hard to explain how it happened as my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all of the pets and livestock they own are Democrats. I'm not just talking regular Democrats, these are Yellow Dog Democrats. That's right, if the Democrats nominated a yellow dog for president, they would vote for him. All I can say is that one day I put the cork in the Democratic Party bottle, and I have been sober ever since. With that introduction out of the way, let me explain the political phenomenon we are currently experiencing. Feel free to add salt where required.

First let me explain the surge in Buchanan vote in Palm County, Florida. I have discounted the fact that Florida is the Sunstroke State and believe that this anomaly lies in the Yellow Dog Pass It Along Theory. Knowing that the Florida vote would be close, Gore needed to hedge his bet on Election Day. Having spent eight years watching Bill Clinton invent a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to cover his extracurricular exploits; Al Gore believed he could invent the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy to assure a Florida Victory. Bush had run ads for Nader, so Gore would counter with adds for Buchanan. Gore had to make Buchanan look more attractive to middle of the road Republicans. Gore considered a subliminal (Yes George, there are only four syllables in that word) message embedded in a Buchanan television ad, but that would be traceable. Gore would have to take his message to the streets so he hired a handful of senior citizens and two fourth graders that did not have desks in their school to spread the word around polling places in Palm County, that Pat Buchanan has free eggnog. Well, you know how the pass it down drill goes. By the time the message was passed up the voting line, it sounded like Pat Buchanan is a Yellow Dog. What a dilemma for the Democrats--should they vote for the jackass or the yellow dog? Having just lived through eight years of the jackass, the yellow dog they had always heard of sounded like a good alternative. Gore's left wing conspiracy backfired, and on top of that, there are now unconfirmed reports that the dirty tricks folks hired to execute this ploy were paid in Alpo and cigarettes as the Democratic Party Treasurer misunderstood that some of the workers were deskless, not homeless.

Responsibility (remember from the Nixon days that Republicans accept responsibility, not blame) for second part of the ongoing political situation falls exclusively to the Republican Party. Do you remember the email that circulated a few days prior to the election? It read that due to an anticipated record high voter turnout, Republicans are requested to vote on Tuesday, November 7^th and Democrats are requested to vote on Wednesday, November 8^th. This was circulated as a joke, but it did not have the warning required by the Surgeon General: Reading without thinking may be hazardous to the country's health. I carelessly forwarded the message I received to my family and friends, forgetting that they suffered from Democratic Party Affiliation--an illness for which there is no prescription drug coverage. Little did I know that this same email was circulating nation-wide and that people who supported a man who wanted to be all things to all people would not only vote for one or more presidential candidates on the 7^th, but on the 8^th, 9^th, 10^th, and they're still voting. Now both the jackass and the yellow dog may be on the way out, as the Democratic Party has adopted the Energizer Bunny as its icon. That's right it keeps on voting, and voting, and voting.

I told you that I was the Republican in my family, but failed to tell you that I have a special relationship with Florida Governor Jeb Bush. This relationship has nothing to do with my party affiliation or the fact that I lived in Florida for four years. This special affinity resides in the fact that we are both likely to be doing all of the dishes after the family Thanksgiving Meal.

Disclaimer for Dummies: This is mainly fiction…except the part about doing the dishes.

^{The Next U.N. Mission}

The call came early in the morning. I knew of the general provisions of the Fleet Reserve, otherwise know as the Navy and Marine Corps retired list, but never expected to be called out of retirement short of general war. But it happened. The government's reasoning was sound, but not welcomed in my household. The United States, along with the four other permanent members of the United Nations Security Council were required to provide twenty officers apiece for a new U.N. military mission, UNVOPALCO. Thirty other countries were to provide up to five officers each with United Nations experience. I had previous experience in this capacity as a United Nations Observer in Iraq and Kuwait and the urgency of the deployment precluded training new officers. My orders arrived on my fax only minutes later. I would pick up my ticket at the check in counter.

I pulled the required uniforms out of my closet and packed them, not wanting to try them on as I knew they would be much tighter on me than they were when I retired. I said my goodbyes and headed for the airport. At least I wouldn't have the never ending flight to Southwest Asia this time. I was fortunate enough to get an exit aisle seat and the extra few inches of legroom that accompanied it. Minutes after the flight was airborne, I was asleep. I didn't awake until I felt the plane touch town and heard the screech of the tires on the runway. I had set my watch to the new time zone once the plane had taken off so when I now checked it, I was sure that I had almost two hours before I would get on my connecting flight. I normally would have preferred a shorter connection time, but this time did not object to the extra few minutes spent in civilization. As I walked through the terminal, I stopped in front of one of the televisions positioned around the multiple waiting areas. I don't know if my timing was good or bad, but there was my destination on the television screen. Fifty years ago, this might have seemed strange. The reporters did not precede the Marines up Mount Surabachi, but since the television crews filmed the SEAL and Recon landings in Somalia before the main body of U.N. Force arrived, everything has been fair game for the media.

I got no sleep on the second leg of my flight. Perhaps it was my inability to reconcile the images that I had just seen on TV with my mission on the ground. In any case, I could not put my mind at ease. I chose to review my paper work. I recalled all to vividly, standing in line for about two hours in the Kuwait Airport to have my visa and passport checked and rechecked by men that stood behind a glass window. So much for the diplomatic privileges of the U.N. I expected much the same routine this time even though a list of arriving officers had been sent in advance of my arrival.

From what I could gather, public utilities and services were still functioning in the mission area. Violence had not erupted, though it was obvious that the locals were not pleased with the current political climate. My assignment was as the operations officer, and once on the ground, I would be working for a Mission Commander from the Russian Contingent. Like many other U.N. Observer Missions, you just didn't have Americans in the senior most billets. The Deputy Commander would be a British Officer from the Royal Air Force. At least the two of us would almost speak the same native language.

The plane finally touched down. I was in the mission area and any thoughts of getting any sleep over the next couple of days vanished as the flight attendant opened the door. As I exited the aircraft, I saw two Chinese soldiers in the Blue Berets that distinguish those in the service of the U.N. They looked down at a clipboard and back up at me with a nod of recognition. Now this was first class treatment--much better than my first time at U.N. duty. I walked up to them and we shook hands and exchanged introductions. One of them clipped an ID badge on my jacket. I twisted it towards my face so I could see the United Nations Emblem and the mission designation, UNVOPALCO. In smaller letters was written, United Nations Voting Observer, Palm County.

---------- ***** ---------

From 1991 to 1992, I served as operations officer and deputy sector commander in the United Nations Iraq-Kuwait Observer Mission, UNIKOM. Some two weeks after I had sent some of my observers to Yugoslavia to help start a new U.N. Mission, some of the officers in my headquarters told me that the mission headquarters in Uhm Qsar had directed me to send more observers to start another new mission. No commander likes to give up his people, so I replied in my most acrimonious voice, "Oh yeah. Where?" The officers handed me a copy of an American Newspaper that someone had brought out to the sector, and replied, "Los Angeles." I had taken the bait. The papers showed rioting in Los Angeles and everyone had a good U.N. laugh at my expense. Yes, the preceding article was fiction, inspired by this joke played on me many years ago in a land where I bought no real estate. While the situation in Florida is certainly less grave than many of us paint it, I'm quite certain that it is the source of considerable humor in numerous multinational settings, once again at our expense.

Quotes of the Day

Palm County, Florida (November 2000)

Good morning, I'm Bernard Shaw. This is day four of America Held Hostage by Palm County, Florida. We go live now to where the Palm County votes are being counted for the twenty-second time by hand with two percent of the ballots also being counted by foot.

Thank you Bernie. I don't remember who I am or how I got here but if you say I work for CNN, then that's good enough for me. It must be something in the water here. While we can't actually see what's going on inside this big building we are standing in front of, we are meeting some interesting people passing by on the street. Let's see what they have to say about the 2000 election.

Johnny Cochran: If two boxes are checked, then you won't select.

Sam Walton: A man will vote for a candidate twice if he thinks he will do a good job. A woman will vote for the one on sale whether we need him or not.

Al Gore: They should put those votes in a lock box…what…what do you mean they do?

Ross Perot: There were two horses in the race. If you don't know how to place a bet, then don't bring your money to the track. Didn't I tell you that we don't need to house break another president.

George W. Bush: The conduct of the Vice President in this matter is unconscionablblble, ah heck, it stinks. I'm just glad I won the Electrical College.

Pat Buchanan: Those are surely not my votes. I can't believe anyone took me seriously.

Ralph Nader: Let's just go without a president for a while. Clinton won't sign anything from the Republican Congress and they can't get enough votes to override the veto, so who would notice anyway?

Bill Clinton: Hillary's movin' out and nobody's movin' in. Shucks, sounds like I got me a bachelor pad. Party's at 1600 Pennsylvania, and it's lady's night.

Richard Nixon: And the Democrats called me a crook? Okay, I can live with that, just don't call me a Palm County voter.

John Corzine: I could have saved sixty-five million dollars if I would have thought of that cigarette thing.

Jesse Jackson: Would you keep that camera on me a little longer. My causes are so thin these days I'm suffering from anorexia.

Walt Disney: And they call my Florida operation a Mickey Mouse outfit. I get sixty bucks a head just to get in the door. Who cares if they vote or get on a EE ride (that's a double E ride. Yes, from back in the day).

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Al. Now, I'll only have to wait 4 years instead of 8 to get my old digs back. Maybe I should put my house on the market now.

Thomas Jefferson: Franklin told me that Americans wouldn't follow the instructions, so I don't know why we spent the time writing it all down.

William Shakespeare: Neither a Republican nor a Democrat be, For affiliation oft loses both detachment and dignity, And such alignment dulls the sense of patriotism. This above all; to thine own self be true, Yeah right Al, like I had to tell you that last part.

Palm County Voter: Voting? I thought I was buying a lottery ticket.

Regis Philbin: Is that your final answer?

Disclaimer: Until November 7^th, 2000, I never thought that I would have to do this, but for those of you who didn't know, these were not the actual quotes of the people listed above. Yes, some of them have been dead for a while too, but that doesn't mean they can't vote as a Democrat in Chicago.

The White House Tapes

Clinton-Gore Secret Conversation Circa 2000

"How was Nam?"

"Tougher than your tour, big guy."

"Don't give me that. I was there almost half a year. You were …"

"There with my mother-in-law."

"I concede the point."

"Yippee!"

"What are you so happy about?"

"I just made twenty bucks. The flight attendant on Air Force One bet me that word wasn't in your vocabulary."

"You should have bet fifty.

"I got slapped twice before we could agree on that bet."

"Did you take care of it?"

"Did you invent the internet?"

"Is that a rhetorical question or are you making fun of me too."

"That depends on you definition of is."

"Did you take care of it?"

"Yes. We met. He agreed."

"You know if he jumps the gun, this will all backfire."

"Yeah, I know. Then I guess I'll just have to stick around for a while longer."

"You promised."

"Relax a little. This guy is reliable. He's come through before."

"I hope so. Let's go over it again. I don't want this one slipping away."

"Okay. In my Thanksgiving weekend address, I announce my resignation as a symbolic gesture. The Republicans won't apologize, so I will resign. I'll go into my spiel about uniting the country and healing. You'll have to call out FEMA in response to the flood of tears this speech will have flowing."

"Yeah, yeah, enough with the speech bit."

"On the First of December, only days into your presidency, Saddam will launch another invasion of Kuwait. Not a big one, but enough that you can say our national security is threatened. He won't destroy any of the oil wells, but does need to get a new supply of VCRs, DVDs, and of course some high definition TVs."

"Then I sent in the Marines, right?"

"That's the ticket. But not too many. You have to stretch this thing out past the 4^th of March."

"Why so long?"

"You need to suspend the transition of government past all of the Constitutional dates, past and present. Didn't you pay attention the last eight years?"

"I tried not to."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot all about that plausible deniability stuff."

"Go on. Go on."

"I am compelled by national security to suspend the election process until this matter is resolved. Say it over and over until you actually believe it."

"Right."

"On March 5^th, you go to Iraq and accept their unconditional surrender."

"And that's when we start importing Iraqi oil?"

"You got it Bud."

"Won't the world scream foul? I mean we've been the only ones insisting on sanctions."

"Did you memorize the speech or not?"

"Yeah, Okay. Blah, blah, blah…the sanctions imposed at the end of the Bush war…"

"That's right. Remember to call it the Bush war, not the Gulf War."

"…Were ineffective. Under my plan, those sanctions will be placed in a lock box…"

"Drop the lock box bit. It's not in the script."

"I'm going to have a lock box whether anyone likes it or not."

"Fine. Just leave it out of this speech."

"…Okay. Under my plan, those sanctions will be suspended based upon Iraq's performance in the international community. Where George Bush failed. I will succeed."

"Good. Remember those words. American didn't fail, the Bush plan did. You have to play the word association game. Bush-bad. Bush-bad."

"Got it, but that's going to tick off the Republicans that supported the old guy and his kid."

"Not when we're buying oil at five bucks a barrel for the next year."

"I though we didn't like the oil companies."

"That's before they offered me a CEO job."

"That might be real work."

"I'm in charge of intern training. I think I can handle it."

"What does Saddam get out of this other than the oil?"

"Let's just say New York will have to elect another Senator sooner than they thought."

"I still don't get the Nader appointment to VP. How will that bring us together. He only got three percent."

"That's not to bring anyone together. It's to save your bobbing neck. Folks in his Green Party are the only ones not currently engaged in the full exercise of their second amendment rights."

"And all I have to do is issue you a full pardon for any offenses you may have…"

"Don't forget the 'or will' part of that."

"Or will commit."

"Bingo. You're in like Flint."

"An that's it."

"Well, I might need a few nights in the Lincoln Bedroom, just for old times sake."

"I don't know about…"

"I've still got that Buddhist Temple recording."

"Okay. You can use the bedroom. Are you sure this election thing will work?"

"Look, you will have beaten Saddam and the price of gas at the pump will be under a buck a gallon again. There's a sucker born every minute, and they're only eighteen years away from voting--less in Florida. Is this country great or what."

"Shouldn't that gas price be about thirty-nine cents a gallon?"

"Now that really is fuzzy math. You forgot to factor in my signing bonus with the oil companies."

"I feel like I'm making a deal with the devil."

"Don't jump the gun. Save that one in case they try to kick you out."

"Politics does make for strange bedfellows."

"You don't know the half of it

"You know, in a very small way, this doesn't seem quite right."

"That will pass."

"I guess, but I really did want to get this job by the will of the people."

"You did. Those people just happen to live in Iraq."

Disclaimer: This is fiction. No, it's extremely partisan fiction, mixed with indeterminate doses of sarcasm, reality, and Goresques exaggeration. Let simmer for five minutes. Add salt as required.